We stopped in Indiana last night and, in an effort to stem the tide of money pouring out of our bank account, we decided to stay at a Days Inn off the freeway for a cool $68 per night. It is fortunate that I was too exhausted to really care about anything, or I may have been alarmed by the people creeping around outside the doors at such a late hour, or by the static electrical buzzing coming out of the air conditioner in the office, or the feebly blinking neon light in the window. It’s like I’ve never watched a horror film before.
I walked in to the room, taking care to keep my shoes on at all times and touching as little as possible. After a quick inspection of the sheets to assure myself that I would be the only living thing on them for the night, I deposited my things on the bed and headed for the shower. One look at the discolored tub had me standing in frozen uncertainty for a moment, convincing myself that I was morally capable of showering in a place where someone may or may not have woken up in the recent past, surrounded by ice, one kidney lighter. I almost wore shoes in the shower.
When I walked out of the bathroom, Taylor was nowhere to be found. My first thought, naturally, was that he had been kidnapped. Then, more reasonably, that he had forgotten something in the truck and would be back soon. I decided if he wasn’t back by the time I had brushed my teeth, I would alert the authorities. You’ll be relieved to know that he showed back up before I had closed the toothpaste tube.
For good measure, we put a chair up against the door before going to sleep, and we came out of that experience no worse for the wear. Although, at one point today, my ankle had an itch and I was convinced that I’d contracted some type of rabid, skin-eating disease. Since all my skin is still intact, I guess I was just being dramatic, but we’ll see about that.
We had breakfast at a Waffle House, where I ordered a waffle, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a cup of coffee. Just thought you should know. Breakfast entertainment consisted of an agitated young man walking back and forth in front of the restaurant window, wearing one of those parolee ankle bracelets and a bandana that was knotted in the front, 2Pac style, while I serenaded Taylor with lyrics by Atmosphere: “Man it feels good to be a gaaangsta”. When this fella walked inside, I stuffed my mouth with waffle and pretended to stare interestedly at the gas station across the street.
We then proceeded to drive through the rest of Indiana, on through Ohio, a ten-minute pass through West Virginia, and then into Pennsylvania to stay the night. We are, like, 300 miles from our destination and should arrive there tomorrow afternoon (tomorrow being Friday). This blows my mind. Also weird to me is seeing people do normal things in places so far from home. Oh, look at these cute little Ohioans going grocery shopping after work; I used to do that, too!
The speakers are back on strike. Sometimes, if you kick them just right, they’ll sputter for a few drunken moments. But since I got tired of kicking the speaker on my side, we’re back to cursing them in silence. Occasionally, I burst out in song, just to keep us awake, or insist that Taylor check out the hilarious video I found on YouTube before I remember that he should really stay focused on the road.
We had an alarming few minutes where we thought we’d lost Beatrice. Her little blue arrow had disappeared from my screen and even though I searched and searched through both my apps and the play store, she was gone. I thought I would be happy to get rid of that shrew, but I needed her despite her devious ways, and I felt empty inside without her nagging in the background. A quick Google search informed me that a recent update, which I had installed that morning, had merged Beatrice into Google maps. I rushed over to Google maps, shouted in a random destination, and waited with bated breath to see what happened. After a few nerve-wracking moments, Beatrice went live (sounding smug), and all was right with the world again. Serves me right for complaining about her. Without her, I’d still be driving circles in Kansas City, trying to find the onramp to I70.
People are still quite friendly and I’m still waiting for that to stop. I was at a Walgreens (it’s like a comfort blanket, but less people make fun of you) in Ohio when I walked in front of someone browsing the cereals. I said, “Excuse me”, and he responded with a smile and a “Yes ma’am”. I could have let the moment pass, but instead, I got a stupid smile on my face and faltered in my steps, because I was expecting him to call me a name at the very least. I guess he decided he was done with the cereal aisle then because he hurried off in the other direction.
Children are out in full force today. I was in the one-stall restroom of a grocery store in Ohio when someone started pounding on the door. I called out that they needed to hang on for just a minute and when I walked out, I didn’t see anyone at first. Then I looked down and found a tiny little girl glowering up at me, arms crossed. Suddenly, I was afraid to be alone with her in the back of the store, so I ran to find Taylor. I find it best not to underestimate little children; they know how to create mayhem.
Later on, we stopped at a restaurant called “Steak and Shake”, which was amazing. I had just finished a hamburger doused in chipotle mayo, jalapenos, pepperjack cheese, and some other messy stuff, and was kicking back with a chocolate covered strawberry milkshake (you wouldn’t have been able to resist either, had you seen the picture on the menu) when a young woman walked in with her little girl. This little girl wasn’t happy with the choice of restaurant and was making sure the restaurant at large was aware of that fact. The mother instructed her to sit down at the booth directly behind me and in response, the girl flung her little body down onto the booth with all her might and moaned, Scarlett O’Hara style, “I hate my life!” to which the mother responded, “You don’t even know anything about your life yet!”
Have I mentioned the humidity? Oh, the humidity! (Get it? Like, Oh, the humanity! Okay, moving on.) My dear friend Steven, who just relocated to Alabama, texted me before I left and assured me that the humidity was like a warm hug. Yeah, a warm hug from a heavy mouth breather, it’s sick!
In other news, we went through another tollbooth and I handled myself like a lady this time, other than almost choking when they asked us to hand over $9.10. Interstate robbery!
I did have a minor issue later in the day when my seatbelt locked up as I was trying to pull it on. I was tired, my legs felt like jelly, I was feeling crowded by all the stuff I had sitting on the seat, I needed a shower, and the truck smelled funny. The seatbelt giving me crap just wasn’t welcome in my life at that point. So, I started yanking it with every muscle in my right arm, yelling with each mighty pull, “I. Am. Not. In. A. Wreck. You. Idiot! And if I were, a lot of good you’d be doing me since I can’t even BUCKLE. MYSELF. IN.” After the last red-faced huff, I stopped, took a deep breath (why does this truck smell like beans?!), and pulled the belt down slowly, clicking it into place. As we pulled away from the gas station, Taylor patted my knee softly and said, “I know”, which made me laugh hysterically.
When we finally made it to our last hotel of the trip, I fell in love with the lady at the desk, who I imagine was from Boston because, in my mind, anyone with a cool accent is from Boston. When we got to our room, the door wouldn’t open, so she came from the office and manhandled that sucker, chatting away to me all the while, “The daws (doors) are a little swollen from all the moistcha (moisture), you just gotta push haawd (hard) afta you put the key in. Cwall (call) me if you need anything else honey, I’m right theya (there) at the desk awl (all) night”. I almost broke something in the room on purpose so she’d come back.
I did finally figure out that smell while looking for my phone charger. Taylor had purchased a microwaveable burrito on Tuesday and never got around to microwaving it at the hotel. Unbeknownst to me, he had stowed it in the glove box the next morning, deciding that would probably work just as well as a refrigerator.
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