I recently downloaded the Nextdoor app and signed into my new neighborhood, thinking perhaps I’d find some friends since my immediate neighbors appear very uninterested in being friendly. Turns out that my kind of people just don’t live in this kind of neighborhood.
However, the kind of people that do live in this kind of neighborhood are the best kind to make fun of, so I’m really sorry if my quarantine has been better than yours.
There is nothing more entertaining than the airing of grievances, unbridled entitlement and occasional fit-throwing of people who do not appear to have one real problem in all of the world. Allow me to share some of that entertainment in the midst of these troubled times:
One particular Nextdoor stew, which began with Tammy complaining about bikers spitting their virus-packed saliva onto the city’s bike trail, devolved pretty quickly when Tom hopped in the comments to tell her to walk on another trail if she didn’t like spit.
Tammy: Well well, I was wondering when the first negative comment would be made. WiNnEr WiNnEr ChIcKeN dInNeR, TOM.
Tom replies about 30 minutes later: WhAtEvEr, TAMMY.
This pot was further stirred by Faith, aka supreme stirrer of our Nextdoor community. She jumped in with her usual air of superiority mixed with a clear lack of both awareness and punctuation to say:
“Gotta get the kids and dogs out sorry I live in a neighborhood where I don’t expect nasty people to be outside like some guy smoking hacking spitting had to grab my children and run into a yard to avoid him.”
Such an eloquent, yet harrowing, tale.
Last week, Chris posted about the “mafia squirrels” out and about, accusing the neighborhood at large of accommodating them too much. He is VERY upset that the squirrels are showing no fear of dogs and he posted a picture of one in a tree that he insisted was trying to “square off” with him.
More recently, some lady posted about how someone needed to “remove the dark man” loitering in front of the dollar store. Someone named Jacob replied, “Lady…this is the Nextdoor app. Not your Privileged Daughters of the Confederacy meeting.” My only regret in the prompt removal of her post is that we didn’t get to see her reaction to Jacob. My guess is she would have hurried to inform him that her best friend is black, meaning she couldn’t possibly be racist.
This week’s most aggrieved post was from an individual who found their bank statement dropped off at their door. Apparently it had been mis-delivered and the individual who received it had taken the time to bring it to the correct residence. The residents in question, however, did not interpret this as kindness. They went on a real bender about how their account information could have been stolen for “nefarious purposes”.
Honestly, the only thing nefarious here is that the Karens and Kyles of the world still haven't switched to e-statements.
So far the real MVP is Pam, posting her disdain about the local Kroger. It was approximately two weeks after the pandemic had begun and those poor souls working at grocery stores were being crushed under the weight of a billion instacart orders. Apparently they had cancelled Pam’s order because too many of the items were out of stock. Well, Pam had gone right down to that Kroger and was able to buy most of what she needed, and she was posting the picture of her overflowing SUV trunk to prove it.
Pam then announced from on high that she would no longer be spending $1000 per week at that Kroger like she had been for the last 30 years.
Stick it to ‘em, Pam. You probably don’t need to grocery shop for a long time anyway if you’ve been spending $4000 a month for almost a third of the last century. That’s a lotta fat-free snackwells, girl.
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