1. I told Taylor it was a bad idea to take the crypt
keeper’s car on a 2400-mile trip.
2. Taylor told me I was afraid of adventure.
3. I said yes, I was in fact afraid of adventure if
adventure meant standing on the side of the freeway bathed in the smoke of a
busted engine.
4. Taylor said that would not be happening.
5. I heartily disagreed.
Repeat steps one through five each day for the month prior
to departure.
Step 6: Become a card-carrying member of the “I told you so”
club following five brutal hours stuck in the middle of nowhere Iowa.
Yeah.
You’ll be proud to know that the second I realized what was
happening, I closed my eyes and willed myself to be a good person. Not a person
who throws things and yells with great fury about her supreme righteousness,
but a good person. After a dramatic show of engine smoke and a slow coast to
the closest gas station, we sat in silence for a few moments before each
exiting the vehicle. I grabbed the furry beings from the backseat and walked
around to the front of the car moodily stare at whatever mess was under the
hood Taylor had just opened. It wasn’t good. Some kind of liquid was exploding
out of some kind of pipe and the look on Taylor’s face was not inspiring hope.
He shook his head and said, “I thought she would make it”.
(She? Seriously?)
I shook my head and said, “I didn’t” and left the matter at
that while I went off in search of some grass so the furry beings could relieve
themselves and I could choke down all the words trying to claw their way out of
my mouth.
Five sweaty hours and a little emergency fund hemorrhaging later,
the matter had been mostly resolved. The
car is now in Victor, Iowa awaiting our return with its busted little
transmission. Enterprise, after driving
an hour to get us (on top of staying open late for us – I take back every time
I’ve said that I hate everyone because I love these people), sent us on our way
with a sweet 2016 rental Jeep. They had originally planned to send us on our
way in a sweet 2016 Toyota Corolla, in which they came to pick us up, but while
driving back to the office it started to have transmission problems. Go figure.
Upon crossing into the neighboring state I saw a specialized license plate that
said IH8IOWA.
Amen.
So, counting the transmission problems in the first rental
car, we were 2 for 2, and they say bad things come in threes, right? I’m generally
not one to get worked up over any statement that starts with “they say”,
because who is “they”, anyway? In this case, I guess someone who knows what
“they’re” talking about, because listen to this:
Once we return to Victor, Iowa we have to drop off the
rental car and then somehow tow the crypt keeper’s car (hence forth known as
CKC) back to Delaware. We will then also need a vehicle for Taylor to drive
while he fixes (and then SELLS) CKC. Thus, we purchased a Chevy Silverado in
Idaho Falls. Taylor drove said Chevy Silverado to Island Park to visit family,
and then it promptly broke down during the drive back.
My thoughts on this: #@!$%&**@#$%!!!!
My conversation with the dealer about this:
Me (after telling him the harrowing tale of our travels): If
there’s any way you can help us out here, I would really appreciate it.
Dealer boss guy: “Yeaaaah. I appreciate the story, but my
concern here – “
Me: “You don’t get concerns here. I get concerns. I HAVE
concerns. Many of them.”
Dealer boss guy: “Well, it’s just that I have no idea if he
was off-roading around up there in Island Park and ignoring some kind of check
engine light.”
Me: “Just because he has a very large beard doesn’t mean he
goes hillbilly off-roading every chance he gets. Really, the bottom line here
is that we bought the truck like 2 days ago, and it would be pretty rude of you
to just dump us like this.”
He then offered to tow it back to Idaho Falls for an easy
$400 so they could take a look and “see what they could do”. I said I would have someone with a decent
sense of humanity help us tow it for free so he could take a look and “see what
he could do”.
So we did that. The next day I get a call from Mike. Mike’s
a good guy. He said that when inspecting the truck before purchase, his
technician must have missed that an oil line was swinging around all willy
nilly under the truck, clamp-less and alone. Thus, when Taylor was “driving
around on those rough roads in island park”, it must have hit something and
burst or whatever (not quite his words but close enough). I informed him as
well that beards don’t equate to constant travel on dirt roads and then asked when
we might be getting it back. Apparently, these clamps are in high demand
because this phone call took place 4 days ago and we are still quite
clamp-less.
Let’s hope they find a clamp or a bread tie or something
pretty soon because we have to go home and they are at risk of becoming the
next addition to my ever-growing shit list, right after Buicks and the great
state of Iowa.
Lastly, since I’m always spreading hate and discontent
around here, I’d like to end with two things that are not on my shit list:
1) The lovely people that live in the horrible state of
Iowa. They were very helpful in our predicament. I simply hate the actual dirt
and rock and corn that constitute that wretched state, the land of my
misfortunes.
2) The rental Jeep. Because it has an actual plugin that is
keeping my laptop happily humming along while I spread my hate and discontent.
Also because it runs…knock on wood.
Okay. Amen.
