I’m basically a snow ninja here. As I’m writing this, there is a
snowstorm outside that’s promising approximately 5 inches of snow. If you were
here to watch the news, you would see that this is inspiring anarchy; people
are pretty much looting stores and rioting in the streets while I’m just
driving around all toasty like, “Whew, shouldn’t have worn a coat over this
sweater today”. I just watched a news story about how there is no more milk at
Trader Joe’s because people have been buying it like crazy all day in preparation
for snowmageddon. I’d like to say that I made up the term snowmageddon by
myself, but that’s actually what a few of the locals have dubbed it. By their
standards, everyone in Idaho is probably dead by now. The news anchors are
talking in loud, intense voices and telling everyone to stay inside, taking the
occasional break to report school closures for every school ever built on the
east coast.
People in lab think I’m a hero for coming in during snowmageddon, and
one even begged me via text message (after the three inches of snow we received
last week) not to drive home because I’d probably never make it. I was all like
“B**** please, I’m from Idaho”. Actually, I didn’t say that, but hindsight is
20/20. The drive home was fine other than possible damage to my tires from all
the rock salt they put down. The Idaho department of transportation probably
uses as much rock salt in an entire winter season as these peeps use in the
first hour after the weatherman predicts snow. It sounds like your car is driving
over a gravel pit and then, after the snow melts the next day, the ground is
covered in a thick film of chalky leftovers. Unless you’ve succumbed to the
skinny-jean fad, this is bad news for the bottom of your pants. I provide the
following picture as proof that I’m not exaggerating:
As if giving me ninja status weren't enough, the cold weather has also
given me the opportunity to start using the remote start on my Subaru. Let me
tell you, I could NOT feel more cool starting my car from a third-story
apartment window. I feel less cool, however, when the alarm goes off each time
I try entering the vehicle. I’m still looking into that, but so far my routine
goes: Start car from kitchen window, feel awesome, walk to car 10 minutes later
(no more than 15 or it will have turned itself off), try new way to disable
alarm and open door, hurry and press button when alarm goes off, get in car and
re-start because it shut off when the alarm came on, ignore neighbors that are
staring and enjoy warm car in spite of them, maybe stick my tongue out as I
pass them.
I'm doing my best to take serious advantage of this because from what
I hear, Delaware is never actually plagued by this much cold and snow. It would
appear that this year's winter is just a special kind of welcome for two people
who thought they were escaping the arctic. Someone informed me the other day
that a normal winter in Delaware happens only within the confines of January
and February, and by winter they mean it gets as low as 30 to 45 degrees outside.
